this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”