Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS