Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
the answer was staring at me all along
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me in tagged photos
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing