@Nocturnesthesia: Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@jwoodham: I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
@K_blue: Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can't fire you if they can't find you.
@Awk0Tacoo: It's really hard to explain that your eyes are really red from allergies and not weed when you're buying cupcakes and a pound of Doritos.