Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
In space, no one can hear…
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal