“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The three genders
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.