Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
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[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Sharon, call the vet
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college