[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
#FunnyLife Insects
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point