Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise