“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.