Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You Might Also Like
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon