Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?