[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
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my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.