Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.