Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*