[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.