Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies