[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Meat Cute
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Who’s your best friend?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex