Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Why are bridges so flammable.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Wise advice
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day