4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
This is not me but this is me
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.