Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
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Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
sistine chapel
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus