@AlanHungover: *Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*
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@NickSwardson: Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It's basically everywhere now.
@jergarl: It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.
@LemmingDad: When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.