@AlanHungover: *Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*
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@longwall26: If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you'll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
@Swishergirl24: No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I'd just call my boss.
@dinokitten: "Dude go make the first move on her!" "Okay fine, but I'm not too sure what I'm doing." *approaches girl* "Knight to f3"
@Token_Geezer: When I'm in a room full of toddlers, I can't help but scan it for potential serial killers