I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.