[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Friday
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
2022 will be better than 2021
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan