Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
You Might Also Like
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?