Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Money is the root of all wealth
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂