Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball