Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
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My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Had to try this trend 😊
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
#dalle2
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”