Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it