Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Grow up never but we old may grow we
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog