Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
You Might Also Like
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.