Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.