Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.