Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.