Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
That’s classic.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Still my favourite meme.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.