I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.