im 7 sauces long
You Might Also Like
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance