Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
a god among men
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems