Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I didn’t realize that was an option
The Sun
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”