Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
i will not be silenced
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.