Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
You Might Also Like
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?