Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.