My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.