@SaraMansford: Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.
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@KatieBurnett: I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off
@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*