@SaraMansford: Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.
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@ObscureGent: Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
@Kristen_R5: summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."
@Fred_Delicious: [Getting waterboarded] "Um, sir the subject isn't responding to interrogation, he's just getting bigger" [Me, a sponge] "MwahahaHAHAHAA"