Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
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wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.