Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.