Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
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