Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot