@_wendyb07: Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. "She's ok, but she's no cornbread."
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@ohen39: [first day as a restaurant owner] *woman walks in with a dog* me: sorry no dogs allowed- her: really? me: -to leave her: what? me: no dogs allowed to leave her: but- me: *already petting dog* he's mine now
@infinityonhi: Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
@treadmilld: Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.
@jonnysun: FRIEND: and this is my pug PUG: oink ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say "oink"