@_wendyb07: Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. "She's ok, but she's no cornbread."
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@JT_IV_: I hope the people that monitor my sleep study tonight like watching a man scratch his taint.
@_NinJar: I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
@Chel__CLE: Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it's not real life.
@murrman5: [determined not to have any awkward silence during date] "so, what's your favorite part of a banana?"