Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Weirdly Wednesday.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Boating season is upon us.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.