Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
You Might Also Like
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Received some very disappointing news today
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”