“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
You Might Also Like
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
More like Kate Missington.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Hmm, not sure about this change
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Where is your GOD now????
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!