@MandiAtRandom: "Never go to bed angry" is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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@GetCougarized: Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it. If he's not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I'm going home.
@ElgatoEsmio: [holding an acorn] “do you still love me?” Wife yells outside- "that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!” "Shaddup you!"
@U_Want_Shum_M8: Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry! ME: Don't you mean history? R: Don't change the subject! *Both start laughing
@Dank_Pal: Ocean's Eleven? Ummmm I'm pretty sure it's a little older than that. Who is this idiot?